"In all thy ways..."

I can't help but reflect on the path that has led me here. "Roller coaster" best describes 2009. 2010...well, it was a rebuilding year full of great adventures, lessons learned, and a slow reformation back to the self I know. The self I love. The self I respect.
I "felt" so strong and happy at the first of 2010 and believe me...those quotations are needed. Just when you think you're on top of the world and doing a million times better, there is nothing like a giant hole of past to come crashing in and take over that momentary happiness.
I kept extremely busy. Turns out, this doesn't allow for much time to reflect, but it does lay a veil over the insecurities and terrifying cracks you need to glue back together.
Once I stopped, once I slowed down and gave myself two seconds to breathe, I realized how unhappy I was.
I'll quote JC on this..."wherever you go, there you are." It couldn't have been more true in my case. I knew travel and constant adventure wouldn't cure the "giant hole", but I hoped it would help. So I visited a numerous amount of places with little sleep and little reflection. Turns out, traveling alone will make you feel more alone than you've ever felt. I wanted someone to share it with that really understood me and someone that was for me.
No, it wasn't a new bf I was seeking. It was God. He had been pursuing me for a few years and I just hadn't seen it.
I do finally feel like I'm HERE now. Here being that place where life makes most sense when I'm alone; thinking, reflecting and feeling good about the place I've arrived.
15 pounds heavier than this time last year, it's obvious that I'm much happier and more content. As I read my blogs, I remember that fake sense of safety I felt. I was getting by, one foot in front of the other, fake smile and all.
When I finally put God first, when I finally went a date for the first time where I had Him in mind before anything else that's when I found him. :)

"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." Proverbs 3:6-8

Grace - inspite of me

3 traits of Fallen Man
- Seeks own comfort
- Seeks own protection
- Thinks one responsible to bless himself

I really thought I was fine. I really felt that after 3 months, I had gotten over it. Had I? No. It was a front. A front that even I believed to my core. I sought my own comfort. It came in many forms, but it wasn't God. No, deep down I blamed Him. "Why did God put me through that?" "I didn't deserve that!" I felt that I was mentally stronger because of it. Oh, I was mentally strong alright. Strong enough to not let anyone in. I could only trust myself. I could only comfort myself. I could only protect myself.

With everything that happened though, I had a great job and it kept me afloat. I felt it was my determination - my hardwork and willingness to graduate with a very respectable degree in 3 years and get a great job after college that started my path towards a great career.

I was terribly wrong. God put me through those things because he LOVED me. I was determined to do the wrong thing and make the wrong decisions and turn my head to things I noticed. But God let me go through those things and he delivered me out. That was God and his love.

Did I will myself to success through my hardwork? No. It was God's grace. Inspite of all my selfish actions and sin, God's grace kept me afloat. He didn't give me so much that I couldn't keep standing, but enough to get me where I needed to be.
That was God and his grace.

I'm so very blessed. God has been there every step of the way and I'm so very thankful. I leave you with this quote from Charles Spurgeon -

"I take it that the highest proof of Christ’s power is not that he offers salvation, not that he bids you take it if you will, but that when you reject it, when you hate it, when you despise it, he has a power whereby he can change your mind, make you think differently from your former thoughts, and turn you from the error of your ways."

Too far in advance

I've always been an extreme planner and I'm sure I should thank my parents for that.
I can remember the exact day my brain began to pursue things that I wanted years in advance. At the age of 6 at my first national twirling contest my dad said to me, "Do you see that girl in the burnt orange jacket that says 'Feature Twirler'...you want to be her one day." And it began...
15 years later, I had been that girl, graduated from college in three years, received a job at a Big Four accounting firm and had everything that I could have possibly wanted. I never would have considered over-planning a bad thing. If it was possible, I dreamed it, put my head down and made it happen.
Plans changed. Things fell apart. I was lost and then found again. And in the end all that planning did help my career, but at what point should that plan have been adjusted? Did I just set goals and achieve them without any implication along the way that maybe my plan was somewhat bogus? Did I just plow over those red flags to get what I had dreamed up a few years before?
It's been a hard habit to break, but now, while making plans or thinking things through years in advance, I try to stop, bow my head, and say, "Dear God in heaven, please help me to remember that you're in control. Help me to quit freaking out and let things play out like they should. But if you could please let the Longhorns win another national championship...I'd be most grateful (jk...kind of). Amen."
When my future plans begin to happen, I hope I've been through enough to sit back every once in a while and say, is that still what I want? And if it is...is it good for me? Am I being challenged? Am I a better version of myself because of it?

"Trust the Lord your God with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path."

I hope to keep seeking God at every opportunity.

If time were infinite

Do you ever get the feeling that there is so much to see in this world and you don't have near enough time to see it all?!
I do. Almost ever day. I can't get enough. Not even in Texas. I want to go to Krause Springs and Guadalupe Peak and Concan and the many beautiful Texas rivers, etc. I want to experience it all.
Getting in the car and driving for hours makes most people cringe...it makes me exceptionally happy. The road...comfortable car...great music...LOVE it!

When I worked for Ernst & Young, I traveled to Chicago for training. Do you think I stayed in my hotel room before and after trainings were over? What do you think? I was up at 6:00 am down at the pier trying to consume every bit of Chicago. I went to see all the touristy places and then the hole in the wall Chicago dives.

I love how large cities are the same and yet so different. Dallas for instance is highly crime driven in downtown, where as Chicago is quite safe downtown.

In June, I took a trip to the Grand Canyon all by myself. It was the best experience and so incredible. I do love traveling with friends, but sometimes it's nice to be alone. So...I'm doing it again!

I'll be in Boston for training at the end of August and will be using the trip to my advantage. I will hit 7 states in 7 days. Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Connecticut, and New York!

I grew up in the middleofnowhere, TX and I'm interested to see the rural community of Wells, ME and how it compares. I'm sure it will be a million times prettier, but will still have the same warm feeling of being safe and at home. I'll see the sunset on the beach in that small town. An experience I'm sure I'll always remember (and of course capture on camera)!

"Isn't that weird, to take a trip by yourself?" No. And I'm not sure why not. I wish I could explain how it makes me feel. I do enjoy the company of others very much, but it's mind clearing; being in the middle of no where by yourself. Meeting new people. Just observing and getting a grasp on the environment around you.

"Are you soul searching?" Haha, anyone who asks this is always thinking in their head..."Poor girl, she really isn't ok and needs to find herself." Which consequently makes me laugh and shake my head because I know they just don't get it. And it's ok that they don't...I don't mind. If it were true , than I've been "soul searching" my whole life. But I think I just really love what God has created; in people of different background and cultures and in the diverse
land through this world. I hope I can just see a fraction of it!

Today's favorite

I hadn't heard this song before today and it's one of my new favorites...
"I'd like that a lot" by Stephen Ashbrook

Sometimes I'd like to take you and run away
Just back up the car and drive
We'd head out west 'cause the west is the best
It's the best that we could find

It's got the biggest blue skies you've ever seen
Nothing 'neath be dancing you and me
Oh, I'd sure like that a lot

Sometimes I feel like a great glass car
In a great big dirty lot
Either way you lose it's just up to you to choose
If you even move or not

And I'm losing ground and I'm losing piece by piece
Girl I need a change
Oh, I'd sure like that a lot

Sometimes I think we oughta kiss it all goodbye
If we're never gonna leave 'cause
I can't stand the thought of you and I
Stuck here another day

And I'm losing ground and I'm losing piece by piece
Girl I need a change
I'd gotta run, run away
I'd gotta run, far away
Oh, I'd sure like that a lot

I'd sure like that a lot

Regret?

"Don't you just wish you had a time machine and could take back the last few years? Then everything wouldn't be so hard and complicated for you..."

When I think about my closest friends right now and the amazing people I've met over the last 4 years, I can't imagine not having them in my life. These people have an intense perspective on life, a level head on most situations and a need to help those around them. They feed on positive energy and healthy relationships. And they're protective; there for me when I need them most and I definitely try to show them the same affection.

I've learned so much over the last few years...
I learned who would stand by my side and who would judge, come to conclusions and walk away. I learned that in the face of judgement, others would truly pick themselves and say whatever they could to make themselves look more superior, even if it were at the cost of others. I learned to 'speak softly and carry a big stick'. I learned that even though things may seem unbearable at times, the best has yet to come and someone, somewhere always has it worse.

So, sure, it's been hard. Sure, it's been complicated. Sure, I've been torn up. Sure, I've been degraded and looked down on. But, I've learned invaluable lessons. I've met amazing people. I've bounced back in an incredible way and I've never been as happy and proud to be who I am because of it all.

I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't take the easy route. I wouldn't change a thing, because God knows what's best. He knows our path and I trust in him. I'm truly happy and more myself than I've ever been. :)

“When I look into the future, it's so bright it burns my eyes.”

Ok, really…it’s time…let it go.

This started out with a bitter/opinionated undertone:

“I don’t believe you have to lose part of yourself to be with someone.

I do believe that the perfect person will accept you for exactly who you are.

I don’t believe a marriage has to be structured with a male monetary provider and a female housewife.

I believe that couples can go on separate vacations with friends and be ok as long as their relationship is strong and full of trust and admiration. And I believe it’s necessary to have time away from your significant other.

Insert another…I’m unconventional and don’t feel the need to fit in a societal box.”

As most of you know, I’m extremely independent and take pride in being self made. I embellish in the fact that I don’t need a guy to make me happy or to make my life complete. I made that “mistake” of letting someone in and was more dependent and look where it got me...

The truth is…I’m a little tired of being bitter. I’m ready to be a little more open to the idea of…I don’t know…letting a guy buy me dinner without being in physical pain. Ha.

In the end…I’m going to keep going with the flow, having a good time, loving being single, but be more accepting of the possibility that if I find someone that I like that I’ll let them in. I’m not the cheesy hopeless romantic type, but I want to be smitten…eventually. :)

Love this song -> http://www.playlist.com/playlist/additem/588729105

"Can you lie next to her
And give her your heart, your heart
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, your love
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before the king
And say I’m clean, I’m clean

But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

A white blank page
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think
when you sent me
to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention
but denied my affections, my affections

So tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

Aah, aah...
Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole lie
Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole lie
Aah, aah..."