Regret?

"Don't you just wish you had a time machine and could take back the last few years? Then everything wouldn't be so hard and complicated for you..."

When I think about my closest friends right now and the amazing people I've met over the last 4 years, I can't imagine not having them in my life. These people have an intense perspective on life, a level head on most situations and a need to help those around them. They feed on positive energy and healthy relationships. And they're protective; there for me when I need them most and I definitely try to show them the same affection.

I've learned so much over the last few years...
I learned who would stand by my side and who would judge, come to conclusions and walk away. I learned that in the face of judgement, others would truly pick themselves and say whatever they could to make themselves look more superior, even if it were at the cost of others. I learned to 'speak softly and carry a big stick'. I learned that even though things may seem unbearable at times, the best has yet to come and someone, somewhere always has it worse.

So, sure, it's been hard. Sure, it's been complicated. Sure, I've been torn up. Sure, I've been degraded and looked down on. But, I've learned invaluable lessons. I've met amazing people. I've bounced back in an incredible way and I've never been as happy and proud to be who I am because of it all.

I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't take the easy route. I wouldn't change a thing, because God knows what's best. He knows our path and I trust in him. I'm truly happy and more myself than I've ever been. :)

“When I look into the future, it's so bright it burns my eyes.”

Ok, really…it’s time…let it go.

This started out with a bitter/opinionated undertone:

“I don’t believe you have to lose part of yourself to be with someone.

I do believe that the perfect person will accept you for exactly who you are.

I don’t believe a marriage has to be structured with a male monetary provider and a female housewife.

I believe that couples can go on separate vacations with friends and be ok as long as their relationship is strong and full of trust and admiration. And I believe it’s necessary to have time away from your significant other.

Insert another…I’m unconventional and don’t feel the need to fit in a societal box.”

As most of you know, I’m extremely independent and take pride in being self made. I embellish in the fact that I don’t need a guy to make me happy or to make my life complete. I made that “mistake” of letting someone in and was more dependent and look where it got me...

The truth is…I’m a little tired of being bitter. I’m ready to be a little more open to the idea of…I don’t know…letting a guy buy me dinner without being in physical pain. Ha.

In the end…I’m going to keep going with the flow, having a good time, loving being single, but be more accepting of the possibility that if I find someone that I like that I’ll let them in. I’m not the cheesy hopeless romantic type, but I want to be smitten…eventually. :)

Love this song -> http://www.playlist.com/playlist/additem/588729105

"Can you lie next to her
And give her your heart, your heart
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, your love
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before the king
And say I’m clean, I’m clean

But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

A white blank page
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think
when you sent me
to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention
but denied my affections, my affections

So tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

Aah, aah...
Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole lie
Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole lie
Aah, aah..."

Time for myself

I had not heard of this book until I saw the previews with Julia Roberts a few weeks ago. It's called, "Eat, Pray, Love" and here's a snapshot:

"I got started early in life with the pursuit of sexual and romantic pleasure. I barely had an adolescence before I had my first boyfriend, and I have consistently had a boy or a man (sometimes both) in my life since I was fifteen years old...each overlapping the next, with never so much as a week's breather in between.... And I can't help but think that's been something of a liability on my path to maturity."

That was exactly when I had my first boyfriend and how I've gone about dating for NINE years!

"Elizabeth had everything that a woman is suppose to want - A loving husband, country home, and a successful career but although she lived what seemed like a perfect life, she couldn't figure out why she still felt so unfulfilled (Did someone capture my life in a book without me knowing?). This New York Times Best Seller is about her a journey to three different countries in order to find divine peace. I read about her pursuit of pleasure in Italy, her pursuit of devotion in India and her pursuit of balance in Indonesia."

I've taken the recent initiative to let it all go, be single and focus on myself. I'm assuming this book will further inspire me to let it all go and chase after those dreams that I once thought I would never be able to achieve in my current situation.

Making it happen

Well...it's really happening this time. I'm Grand Canyon bound! Like I've said before, I've never been and it's time to stop sitting on it and just get it done.

My batteries are packed, I'm ready to go. I'm standing here, gas can in hand. I hate to admit I'll probably break a bone. 'Cause I'm leaving to the Grand Canyon, don't know when I'll be back again...ok that's enough...

There's a new moon on the night of June 12th and I can't wait to see more stars than I've ever seen! I'll map out my journey here:

Map of entire trip: http://www.google.com/maps?f=d&source=s_d&saddr=Austin,+TX&daddr=Grand+Canyon+Village,+AZ&hl=en&geocode=FRHXzQEdK48s-ikvA8ygmbVEhjF61WnUS0abXQ%3BFSQGJgIdNapQ-Skl4_-VTxczhzGhniKadMLMuA&mra=ls&sll=35.986896,-111.74469&sspn=1.253422,2.112122&ie=UTF8&t=h&z=6

2,200 miles in 3.5 days.

Thursday night(5pm - midnight) - Leave Austin for Lubbock to see the family and get a free meal and lodging.

Friday (8am - 8pm) - Drive to the Grand Canyon, see the stars, explore. Drive back to Tusayan to hotel.

Saturday (5:30am - 3pm) - Drive to the Grand Canyon, see the sunrise, explore.

Saturday (3pm - 10pm) Drive to Albuquerque, NM to see my cousins. Meal and lodging.

Sunday (8am - midnight) Drive back to Austin to record said exploration.

Solitary road trip. Just me and some music. Getting into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened.

Wish me luck...I'll probably need it.

Obsessed with now

My 24th birthday was this weekend and let's just say that I have the best friends a girl could hope for. 22 of us floated the river, while the best BBQer in Texas (I'm completely convinced) made us breakfast, lunch, and dinner!
It has become an annual event that started last year on my 23rd birthday. I needed to get away, forget about things and surround myself with the people who loved me. I thought that I needed that time to relax and figure things out. Figure out where I was headed and what I wanted to do with my life here on earth. Have I figured it out in the past year? No. But has anyone?
The human race is transfixed with wondering what will happen in the future. Where will they be in 5 years, 10 years from now. These are popular questions asked on "about me" surveys. Psychic jobs exist for this reason. I have no data to back this up, but I would assume that college students' and graduates' greatest worry is..."what now?" When the stock market crashed in 2008 (also known as "The Panic of 2008"), that's exactly what happened, people panicked. What's going to happen next...stress, stress, stress. It's just ingrained in our minds and I would assume even more in American minds.
I have figured one thing out in the past year. I don't want to be obsessed with the future. I want to be obsessed with now. I want to be more accepting of the fact that it's ok to not know what will happen tomorrow, but hope to transfer that fear I have of knowing...into a knowing of knowledge and not obsession with the future.

Never alone

At first it was really hard...actually, hard doesn't come close to describing it. It was torturous to describe what happened a year ago and the events leading up to it. Think of something in your life that you worked on day in and day out and having it fail. Multiply that by 100 and add love and offending words and dismissal and not being able to do a thing about it. Then imagine being asked about it on a daily basis. And having to explain it over and over again and trying not to lose it every time.

Quotes from cheesy movies like this got me through...
"So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed...You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling."

But now...it's much easier. I can explain how alone and awful it was and not cry...which is what I did last night. Explained the events. Explained that I was alone...and then I realized...I wasn't alone.

Maybe I felt that way at the time, but there is always a constant in our lives that we need to remember. God. He's always there. He's always watching. And he knows best. I knew this, but I never explained that part of the situation.

So no matter how difficult the situation. No matter what you're going through. Take a minute and have a little talk with the One who will never let you down. :)

Forever Young

In 25 days, I will be 24. We will each turn a year older whether we want to or not throughout this year, but let's remember that we can always stay young at heart (so cliche I know, but keep reading!) :)

My grandma sent me this article a few years ago that I have hanging by my desk at work and I thought you might enjoy it.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches.)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath . And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.

And in light of this conversation...one of my favorite songs.

Forever Young - Bob Dylan

May God bless and keep you always,
May your wishes all come true,
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous,
May you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you.
May you always be courageous,
Stand upright and be strong,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift.
May your heart always be joyful,
May your song always be sung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.