Wednesday, August 3, 2011

"In all thy ways..."

I can't help but reflect on the path that has led me here. "Roller coaster" best describes 2009. 2010...well, it was a rebuilding year full of great adventures, lessons learned, and a slow reformation back to the self I know. The self I love. The self I respect.
I "felt" so strong and happy at the first of 2010 and believe me...those quotations are needed. Just when you think you're on top of the world and doing a million times better, there is nothing like a giant hole of past to come crashing in and take over that momentary happiness.
I kept extremely busy. Turns out, this doesn't allow for much time to reflect, but it does lay a veil over the insecurities and terrifying cracks you need to glue back together.
Once I stopped, once I slowed down and gave myself two seconds to breathe, I realized how unhappy I was.
I'll quote JC on this..."wherever you go, there you are." It couldn't have been more true in my case. I knew travel and constant adventure wouldn't cure the "giant hole", but I hoped it would help. So I visited a numerous amount of places with little sleep and little reflection. Turns out, traveling alone will make you feel more alone than you've ever felt. I wanted someone to share it with that really understood me and someone that was for me.
No, it wasn't a new bf I was seeking. It was God. He had been pursuing me for a few years and I just hadn't seen it.
I do finally feel like I'm HERE now. Here being that place where life makes most sense when I'm alone; thinking, reflecting and feeling good about the place I've arrived.
15 pounds heavier than this time last year, it's obvious that I'm much happier and more content. As I read my blogs, I remember that fake sense of safety I felt. I was getting by, one foot in front of the other, fake smile and all.
When I finally put God first, when I finally went a date for the first time where I had Him in mind before anything else that's when I found him. :)

"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." Proverbs 3:6-8

Monday, May 9, 2011

Grace - inspite of me

3 traits of Fallen Man
- Seeks own comfort
- Seeks own protection
- Thinks one responsible to bless himself

I really thought I was fine. I really felt that after 3 months, I had gotten over it. Had I? No. It was a front. A front that even I believed to my core. I sought my own comfort. It came in many forms, but it wasn't God. No, deep down I blamed Him. "Why did God put me through that?" "I didn't deserve that!" I felt that I was mentally stronger because of it. Oh, I was mentally strong alright. Strong enough to not let anyone in. I could only trust myself. I could only comfort myself. I could only protect myself.

With everything that happened though, I had a great job and it kept me afloat. I felt it was my determination - my hardwork and willingness to graduate with a very respectable degree in 3 years and get a great job after college that started my path towards a great career.

I was terribly wrong. God put me through those things because he LOVED me. I was determined to do the wrong thing and make the wrong decisions and turn my head to things I noticed. But God let me go through those things and he delivered me out. That was God and his love.

Did I will myself to success through my hardwork? No. It was God's grace. Inspite of all my selfish actions and sin, God's grace kept me afloat. He didn't give me so much that I couldn't keep standing, but enough to get me where I needed to be.
That was God and his grace.

I'm so very blessed. God has been there every step of the way and I'm so very thankful. I leave you with this quote from Charles Spurgeon -

"I take it that the highest proof of Christ’s power is not that he offers salvation, not that he bids you take it if you will, but that when you reject it, when you hate it, when you despise it, he has a power whereby he can change your mind, make you think differently from your former thoughts, and turn you from the error of your ways."