I can't help but reflect on the path that has led me here. "Roller coaster" best describes 2009. 2010...well, it was a rebuilding year full of great adventures, lessons learned, and a slow reformation back to the self I know. The self I love. The self I respect.
I "felt" so strong and happy at the first of 2010 and believe me...those quotations are needed. Just when you think you're on top of the world and doing a million times better, there is nothing like a giant hole of past to come crashing in and take over that momentary happiness.
I kept extremely busy. Turns out, this doesn't allow for much time to reflect, but it does lay a veil over the insecurities and terrifying cracks you need to glue back together.
Once I stopped, once I slowed down and gave myself two seconds to breathe, I realized how unhappy I was.
I'll quote JC on this..."wherever you go, there you are." It couldn't have been more true in my case. I knew travel and constant adventure wouldn't cure the "giant hole", but I hoped it would help. So I visited a numerous amount of places with little sleep and little reflection. Turns out, traveling alone will make you feel more alone than you've ever felt. I wanted someone to share it with that really understood me and someone that was for me.
No, it wasn't a new bf I was seeking. It was God. He had been pursuing me for a few years and I just hadn't seen it.
I do finally feel like I'm HERE now. Here being that place where life makes most sense when I'm alone; thinking, reflecting and feeling good about the place I've arrived.
15 pounds heavier than this time last year, it's obvious that I'm much happier and more content. As I read my blogs, I remember that fake sense of safety I felt. I was getting by, one foot in front of the other, fake smile and all.
When I finally put God first, when I finally went a date for the first time where I had Him in mind before anything else that's when I found him. :)
"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." Proverbs 3:6-8
